- Being a stepmom is arguably the most difficult and demanding position in the stepfamily. In Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin provides an excellent survey of the research on stepfamilies, which indicates that stepdads are more easily accepted than stepmoms, and that they don’t struggle to the same extent with their role.
Being a stepmom has a heavy cultural overlay that must be overcome if she is to meet with love, acceptance or even basic respect; and that is the stereotype of the Wicked Stepmother. The evil stepmother is a well-known character in fairy tales going back centuries –
Cinderella,
Snow White
and Hansel and Gretel,
to name just a few. Because this myth is embedded in the subconscious mind of our culture, it is often assumed by the children in a new stepfamily to have some truth in it. Too often, when the word “stepmother” is uttered, the first word associated with it, subconsciously, is a scary or negative one.
If the father of the children remains passive when his child or children act with resentment or hostility towards her, that’s when being a stepmom can result in her association with the myth of the evil stepmother becoming “hard-wired”. That’s when the kids feel justified in their opinion of the stepmother, since his not backing her up is taken as tacit approval of (or agreement with) their behavior. True, the biological dad may be feeling a good deal of conflict about being stuck in the middle between his wife and his child(ren) – and perhaps his ex as well. But this conflict must be faced and worked through, otherwise the chances of this stepfamily’s success will decline, as this situation spirals downward.
Being a stepmom can be a thankless job, too. If there is a joint custody situation, she’s often expected to do all the things that their mom would do (carting the kids around, cooking, cleaning and doing their laundry, helping with homework, and on an on), but somehow she doesn’t receive the credit or appreciation. This is another, opposite cultural expectation of the stepmom, (swinging to the opposite side of the pendulum from the evil stepmother) that she should put the children first “no matter what”, denying her needs and feelings to make everything comfortable and easy for her stepkids. If you find yourself being a stepmom in this category, who bends over backwards to “do for them” and get them to love you, you might wear yourself out with exhaustion, and find resentment building under the surface, which eventually must erupt.
I often hear women who have thrown themselves into this image of being a stepmom, whisper that their stepchildren have told them they wish she were their mom instead, or say with great satisfaction that the stepchild gets along better with her than with their real mom. I admit to having done this on occasion too. While it is a help for the children to have another adult resource when their relationship with their parent is unsatisfying, that sense of rivalry with the biological mother promotes an artificial relationship and will eventually create a problem of some sort – unless it can be done without the comparison, where the stepmom wants to come out “on top”.
Neither the evil stepmother or the perfect stepmom are acceptable ways of being a stepmom. In my case, I was pretty determined to have a family that functioned well and generally got along. I wasn’t willing to continue being seen as the evil stepmother (although I did wear that hat for a period of time – mostly putting up with sideways rejection, anger and sullenness). I wasn’t willing to give up, accepting a distant or hostile relationship with my stepdaughter. Nor was I willing to offer “I’ll do everything for you and give you everything you want”. Heck, I had just come out of being a single mother for nine years, having to be both mom and dad, and I wasn’t going to get into another long-term situation of doing it all. I had worked hard to train my son to be a “cooperative member of the household”, and I wasn’t going to give up on that plan – and I just don’t make a good doormat.
So I took a third alternative – and I am suggesting this one for other courageous souls, who are willing to get their hands dirty a bit in relationships, and who are willing to make some (occasionally ugly) mistakes along the way. Sometimes it seemed we were going backwards instead of forwards when I told the truth about how I felt – but in the long run it would spiral up again…
This way of being a stepmom requires good communication and honesty – and lots of it. And it must be managed in a positive way. Most importantly, the stepcouple must understand the importance of the strength of their relationship to the success of the stepfamily. As Susan Wisdom says in her book, Stepcoupling, the couple is the foundation and the glue of the family. The couple must do what it takes to understand one another’s side of the conflict and work through it. They must find a way to support one another and let the children know that both are committed to one another and making their marriage work.
And then being a stepmom is about being real. I had to learn to express myself and to listen to the other members of the stepfamily express themselves. Sometimes it wasn’t as pretty as I wanted it to be, and sometimes my “I” statements had a little undercurrent of attack in them. But express I did, and I encouraged them to express too (my stepdaughter would say I got defensive when she expressed – and she’d be right). Yet those in my stepfamily knew, deep down, that I was trying. And I knew that they were trying too. And gradually, we worked our way through the conflict and the ugly feelings and forged relationships that are real – and meaningful. It took a lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of developing communication skills, and a lot of courage. Still there are some “stepfamily growing pains” that we’ll never see eye-to-eye on. We leave those aside, mostly now, and focus on the positive good in our relationships.
So, being a stepmom is an opportunity – in becoming stepmom, you have taken on a very complicated challenge. It’s a challenge that can be a tremendous opportunity to learn the skills it takes to forge a real understanding with your husband, and to find the balance that’s right for you with your stepchildren. Your family has to find its unique balance. Throw out the stereotypes on both sides, and roll up your sleeves! - I was giving Angel or Devil bangs. Her and Let's go Crazy both decided they wanted to have bangs. LGC got side bangs, and AoD got some full on/straight across type bangs.
Because I know kids are impulsive and I've seen this before I had to make sure she would be ok with her decision even if she didn't like them. Bangs do tend to change someones looks. I didn't want to be blamed if they didn't look as she pictured in her head.
Me - "So, you won't be upset with me, if you don't like them ok?"
AoD- How could I get mad at you? You're like a Mom to me, and I can't get mad at you.
Me -~swoons~ Awww...well I'm glad sweetie that you won't be mad at me about this. I'm sure someday you'll get mad at me though, because families do that sometimes. Love you.
AoD- "Love you too"
HOW CUTE right????
The bangs look adorable btw! - Three Weeks, Thanksgiving, and Tears.
It's been 3 weeks since all 12 elbows have been in the house. The 2 largest have been busy with R & R and TLC, and parental down time...well Apple has been here. She has been spending more time hanging out with her cool parents. On Friday when I got home from work and walked up the stairs I heard, "whoop, whoop, whooooo!" coming from her room. She was so excited I was here!!! She claims it was cause there was cute dogs on her computer...but I'll bet it was for me being home. It would be lame to admit she was so jazzed for my arrival, so she's covering.
I wrote about my struggles with her ADHD over on my other blog, Girled Cheese.
We had Thanksgiving dinner over at Ripley's folks. We took Rattaouille, and Stuffed Peppers. Yum. There was turkey, perogies, spinach salad, potatoes, stuffing, pumpkin pie...and tears. Papa Ripley is a kidder...sarcastic and buggin' someone all the time. Not to be taken seriously at all. But....when you're Al12, hormonal, and have a pimple which Papa points out during dessert, crying happens. All over the whip cream. Wouldn't be a family supper without a crying kid.
Today, the kids bathed and clipped Tony, helped me make Pumpkin Whoopie Pies (YUM!), watched Cake Boss marathon, and enjoyed a lazy Thanksgiving Monday long weekend at home.
I'm so thankful for our big, loving family!!
;) Lady of the House
Does anyone else's child wake them up with Zombie make-up on? Just wondering??- NEVER a dull moment. As in...don't blink or something crazy could happen.
The weekend included a runaway, a curse, a showdown, and the last shred of my sanity going right down the drain.
I swear...someone should follow us around with a camera....there is some great real reality tv happening every moment at our house.
The Runaway
Renee's friend ran away from home. To our house. Is she nutz? Our house? Most days I want to run away FROM our house...not TO it. I didn't really know what to do....not wanting to be in the middle of whatever dysfunctional situation is happening over there,when I have enuf of my own going on...but unable to say no you can't come here when the kid is clearly in need of a place to be. It all worked out in the end though. I hope.
The Curse
There is a new woman in the house. Lil' Miss Can't Be Wrong got the dreaded womanly curse Friday evening. We were watching TV in our room, when the door erupted in knocks. All kids knocking at once. I thought the sky may have fallen, or someone got stabbed. We were informed of the event. I sang a song I made up, "You're a Woman Now" and Apple reminded me of when I offered to make her a red velvet cake and have a party when she became womanly last year. I offered the same to Lil' Miss, but much like Apple she didn't go for it. I don't get it. :(
Then they ALL...all 5 of them went into the bathroom for a demonstration of Always with Wings. Angel or Devil, whom is 8 said she wanted to have her period too. I told her she didn't.
Since we were all synced up, and also Runaway whom was spending the night also had hers, Ripley was in a house of 4 hormonal, menstrating women. He slept with one eye open and wisesly didn't say much.
It was like a science experiment.
The Showdown
The morning following The Curse was met with shrieks and fighting. Lil Miss had a fit of hormonal rage, and decided that the mirror adorning the wall on her side of the room, needed to be removed immediately. At 9 a.m.
It was, after all, HER wall.
And it was, after all Apples mirror.
This could not be.
So they argued and fought about this.
They were also on dish duty for the week and hadn't done them the previous night. They were informed they needed to get those done before the parental units returned from working, at noon.
This caused MORE fighting.
There were some dreadful words spoken, some ganging up, an un-friending on Facebook and a frantic, upset call to myself.
This is when I lost it.
If it were a documentary I'm sure some ominous music would have played as I walked into the house to remove Apple and Runaway from the situation.
If it were a documentary, Ripley would have said in his interview portion, "I'm not sure what happened. I was at work. The Lady of the House seemed to have handled it just fine!"
Cue to my head completely spinning around a few times.
It took 2 days but, an apology was issued and they are 'back together' (as described to us over dinner by Devil or Angel..."Look, Look...they are back together now! They made up" )
I think this will be an on-again/off-again relationship.
Anyway, the weekend is over, and things have returned to 'normal.'
Normal.... meaning absolute and complete chaos continues.
;) The Lady of the House - We did it!!!
I can hardly believe it is true!!
We made it through Back 2 School
We totally survived the shopping. Well...barely survived the shopping. We could hardly move for 2 days following the big outing but it all got done.
And everyone looked spiffy the first day! All grown up!
So far everyone has arrived to their education facilities (4 kids, 3 different schools) safely, and on time! I was even early to work one day!!
Apple Inc, had a bit of a struggle. Once again she was visited by Mother Natures lovely lady curse on the first day. Uncool for her. And we had a small debacle happen in regards to band vs. art. She is an amazing talented artist, but because her BFF's were in band, the classes were divided which in Grade 8 spells disaster. And because she hadn't taken band last year, it would require private clarinet lessons to catch her up to speed. Private lessons = mucho $ for parent, Hours of Practice for Apple, and a lot of energy by moi spent trying to make her practice. The decison was thought out by Ripley and I...thinking ahead to Apple's Future...she has a chance to make something of her art, and there's not much chance of her becoming the next Kenny G so we stayed with the art. I thought she would put up more of a struggle...but she seems resigned to her fate as it may be.
We also did switch up Let's Go Crazy's school. She had 'thought' she wanted to attend the new, French Mileau (meaning French all the time) school here in town, rather than her French Immersion school and was registered to attend there. But, also attending the new school were to of her nemesis's. Her 'so-called' friends, who made her miserable most of last year! So rather than put her through that Ripley called and had her switched back to her regular school. Long term gain for short term pain. And much to our surprise she didn't put up any fuss about that either.
Now that they've been at our house for 2 whole weeks, they are settling down nicely, into a good routine.
It's much calmer and we are all starting to enjoy ourselves again!!
To show them some love for being such troopers, I set up a scavenger hunt, where the surprise was a big, chocolately cake...for after-school snack!
Sigh.....
;)The Lady of the House
- We are headed Back 2 Skewl shopping on the Saturday before school starts...with 4 kids...and a sorta plan.
Give me strength, and luck.